Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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