fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
