What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
