I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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