And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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