So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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