my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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