I just cut my nipple shaving
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
