I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
