Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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