We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
