oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
