Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Soap is not a condiment
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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