Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Randomize
