birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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