I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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