Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
