I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
