do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
