I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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