OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
