I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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