We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
