I just made out with a guy for $7.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
