Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
