Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
