So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
