I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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