He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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