I cannot find my penis.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
