Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
