Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
