plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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