Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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