Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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