Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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