My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
