i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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