I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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