I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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