You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
