rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
