I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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