Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
