There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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