I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
