You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
