now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
