yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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