I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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