if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
